


Oi, Baz

by ineffable_grimm_pitch



Series: Carry On individual works [6]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluffy Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, M/M, Missing Scene, No Beta We Die Like Simon’s Will To Live, Not Beta Read, Only the first chapter is crack, POV Penelope Bunce, POV Simon Snow, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, baz is a little ooc, it gets better after that, it’s fine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23465803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineffable_grimm_pitch/pseuds/ineffable_grimm_pitch
Summary: “Oi, Baz! I’ve got something from your mum!”
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On individual works [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615813
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> full credit for this idea goes to, you guessed it, my friend Molly. you can find her on instagram @roughly_47_sobbing_horses and she drew Simon over there so y’all should go check her out

**BAZ**

Today has not been a good day. 

I woke up late, I’m mostly sure I failed the elocutions exam, and I haven’t seen Snow all day, which can’t mean anything good.

The doors of the dining hall slam open.

“Oi, Baz!”

Speak of the devil.

I groan. I really, really don’t want to deal with this right now. I whip my head around to look at Simon.

“What do  _ you _ want, Snow?”

He’s aggressively walking across the dining hall toward my table, drawing the eyes of a few kids around me. He looks like a man on a mission.

“I’ve got something from your mum!” He yells once he’s almost at my table.

That’s it. I’m going to kill him. He’s a dead man.

How  _ dare _ he mock the memory of my mother. 

I’m about to respond when Snow storms up to me, stands above me (I’m still sitting. It’s the only way Snow’s ever taller than me) and leans over me to...kiss my forehead?

The dining hall goes silent. I flush bright red. I didn’t even know I could do that. I can see Dev and Niall trying not to laugh. They’re not doing a very good job.

“Snow, what the f-”

He’s already walking away.

Tosser.

**SIMON**

Did I just do that?

**PENELOPE**

Did Simon just…?

**AGATHA**

What did Simon do that for?

**SIMON**

I’m getting the hell out of the dining hall as fast as I can. I don’t break promises. Even promises with ghosts. But this one means that I might be losing some appendages later on.

I realize too late that I don’t have anywhere to go except back to our room. 

_ Oh no. _

I can’t go back to the dining hall. And I can’t just wander around outside. But Baz is most definitely going to try to find me, and I don’t have anywhere to go except to our room.

I might as well just accept my fate. 

I walk dejectedly up to our room in Mummer’s. I sit on my bed, waiting for Baz. I’m going to get my ass kicked for this.

I can’t stop bloody shaking. I’m so scared of what Baz is going to do to me. My magic is bubbling up, ready to overflow, it wouldn’t take much for me to go off right now…

The door opens and I stop breathing. My heart is going so bloody fast right now. I’m frozen, every muscle is stiff. I’m  _ terrified _ .

Baz walks into our room, surprisingly chill. That doesn’t help. 

I’m not about to say something. I don’t have a death wish.

Well. I  _ did _ sort of bring this on myself. 

Doesn’t matter. Anyway, Baz sets the book bag he was carrying down by his desk, pulls out his chair, and sits down. I’m watching him intently. When he does kick my ass, I want to be ready for it.

He pulls a notebook and a textbook out of his bag and opens them both on the desk in front of him. 

Is he really just...pretending nothing happened?

I can’t take this.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” 

**BAZ**

Simon’s been stirring since I walked into our room. I figured he would be. Frankly, I would be, too, if I didn’t have all this power over him.

As soon as he...did that, he fled the dining hall. I know he’s scared of what I’m going to do to him. I’m not going to do anything to him.

Well. Nothing  _ bad _ , at least.

So, knowing full well what I was doing, I waltzed into our room, silently sat at my desk and started my homework. I can feel the nerves radiating off of Simon. He’s waiting for me to attack.

He just asked me if I’m going to say anything, and I want to play dumb. I decide to play dumb.

“Snow, we don’t talk to each other. Why would I say anything to you?” I don’t even turn around to look at him.

He huffs.  _ Cute _ . “Well, aren’t you at least plotting, or something? On how to get back at me?”

I smirk. He can’t see it; I’m still turned away from him. “I’m not plotting, Snow. And even if I was, it wouldn’t do very well to tell you, now would it?” 

I can feel his magic in the air around us. Like electricity, like smoke. Like Simon. 

I should stop provoking him. I’m disturbed, but I don’t want to see him go off like this. 

His magic is still buzzing, and I decide to take mercy on him.

**SIMON**

“Snow, why did you...do that? Back in the dining hall?”

I sigh in relief. There it is, the question I was waiting for. 

I don’t miss a beat before telling him everything. It pours out of me; I barely stop to breathe. I tell him about his mother looking for him, what she told me about her killer, and I end with...what happened in the dining hall.

Merlin, why can’t either of us say it?

Baz sits in silence, absorbing everything I’ve just told him. He moved to his bed at some point when I was talking; I didn’t notice. I watch his face, trying to gauge if he’s changing his mind about the whole not-plotting thing.

“When were you going to tell me about this?” His voice is soft, dejected. He’s looking at his sheets. He sounds...sad. It’s weird. I’m not used to seeing Baz like this.

“When you asked,” I answer honestly. He scoffs, a sad smile across his face.

“Good job I asked then, isn’t it?”

Neither of us say anything. I know he’s going through it right now. His mum Visited and he wasn’t even here to see her, but she’s still sending him on some quest to avenge her.

“Simon?”

My head shoots up. He doesn’t call me Simon. He  _ never  _ calls me Simon.

Not the top priority right now.

“Yes?” I’m treading lightly.

“Thank you,” he says. “For telling me.” 

“Of course.” The room falls into an uncomfortable silence. The stagnant air in the room is going to kill me. I know it. “Baz?” I ask, getting his attention. He doesn’t say anything, just looks up at me. “I’ll help you. If you want.” I don’t even know what I’m saying, but it feels right.

He finally smiles. For real. “Damn straight you will. This is your mess, too, now.”

He laughs. I laugh with him. “Truce?” I ask.

“Truce,” he agrees.

I hope this ends well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only i would take a one-off crack!fic and turn it into one of my most emotional, most ambitious, most thoroughly prepared works. welcome aboard, ladies, gents, and others

**SIMON**

I’ve faced goblins, dragons, a chimera, and the bloody Humdrum itself, but this might very well be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever had to do. 

Baz’s mum Visited. When he was away. And she gave me a message to give to him, which I’m going to do no matter how much I hate him. It’s his mum, for Merlin’s sake. He may be evil, but I’m not, so I’m going to give him his message. 

Only, I didn’t know how else to bring it up. I couldn’t very well sit Baz down in our room and open with,  _ Baz, my sworn enemy, my evil roommate, your mum wanted me to tell you something. _

I would get punched so fast, Anathema be damned. 

Now that I think about it, this option isn’t much better. Crowley, what was I thinking when I came up with this?

I can hear the echo of my own footsteps on the stone floor of the corridor, ringing in my ears as the reality of what I’m about to do actually sets in. 

_ Give him this. _

That’s what I’m going to do. He’s not going to be very happy about it. 

I pause outside the door to the dining hall, thinking about turning back. Then I realize that I have to get this over with. Then I stop thinking. 

I force open the doors, and with the confidence of all the mediocre white men who’ve gone before me, I stride over to Baz, pointedly  _ refusing  _ to think. 

“Oi, Baz!”  _ This is happening.  _

_ Stop thinking. _

He turns to me. “What do  _ you  _ want, Snow?” he sneers back at me. Good. At least he’s not throwing any curveballs here. I need this interaction to be as predictable as possible, for both of our safety.

“I’ve got something from your mum!” I only hear how bad it sounds out of context as the words are leaving my mouth and I see the anger behind his eyes. My voice is too loud. It’s the anxiety. He’s about to speak, and I can’t let that happen. Not now.

I stand over him, gently press my lips to his forehead. Just like I promised. 

Somewhere in the back of my head I register that everyone is staring at us and the chatter in the dining hall has died out, but I’m busy getting the hell out before Baz can catch me. 

_ Did I just do that? _

I’m a mess until Baz gets back and graciously asks why I did that. 

I explain everything. His mother Visiting. The message, that her killer walks. That Nicodemus knows. What she wanted me to give him.

Baz is a mess. Understandably so, I’d say. I don’t know what I’d do if my mum Visited and I missed her. 

I offer my help. He doesn’t need it; he’s perfectly capable of figuring it all out himself. But I figure...I don’t know. It’s only fair, I suppose. And he accepts my help. With a smile. And my first name.

I don’t know what this means for our truce, but in that one moment, he was willing to trust me. To be open with me. I hope he keeps being that way. 

**BAZ**

This might have been a bad idea. 

Truthfully, I’m having a hard time processing everything Snow’s told me. 

My mother, back to see me. With a message. A warning. 

And I missed it. 

If only she knew…

She would never have come back to see me if she knew what I was. Vampire or queer, take your pick, she’d probably be ashamed of me either way. Everyone else seems to be. 

I don’t know who the bloody hell Nicodemus is supposed to be, or what precisely she wants me to do when I find out. I don’t know why any of this is happening. My life just very quickly evolved from a mess and a cosmic joke to an absolute shitshow. 

And to think, all of this started with Simon…

Simon. That’s another part. He’s in on this mess with me, and I don’t really know how to handle that. It comes as a shock to absolutely no one that I’m not the greatest at handling emotions. And it’s not that I can’t restrain myself from fighting with Simon. I don’t want to fight with Simon. I never did. 

The only reason I was ever mean is because I didn’t know what else to be. I’ve never hated him, not really. Even though I’m supposed to. So when I realized that I liked him, loved him ( _ love  _ him, present tense), I didn’t know what to do with that. And now this beautiful idiot has offered to help me in this shitshow, and without thinking, I said yes. 

I should have thought. I should have stopped for one second and realized that this would be torture. But I didn’t, because Simon Snow brings out something in me that I’m not proud of. It’s like any and all brain cells I have in my posession spontaneously combust when I’m around him. 

I try to bring myself back to the present. Bunce is in our room with us (Merlin knows how; she shouldn’t be able to get in, but right now, her presence benefits us, so I’m not very well going to report her) trying to make lists and categorize what we’re working with and what we still need. There’s a lot we still need. There’s an overwhelming amount that we still need. 

I haven’t been paying that close attention, because Simon and I are both sat on the ground, closer than we’ve ever been without fighting, and my brain cells seem to be doing their unfortunate trick of Snow-induced spontaneous combustion. Pity. I needed those. 

I look over at Simon. He’s focused. He’s trying to be serious about this. I really do appreciate it, more than I’ll ever let on. He’s got a book in his lap that I’m willing to bet he hasn’t actually processed anything from. But he’s  _ trying _ , bless him. He’s really trying. For me. For some reason or another.

The thought makes my heart flutter in a way that I’ll never admit. Merlin, I swear sometimes Snow makes me act like a goddamn schoolgirl. It’s embarrassing, but I can’t really find it in me to care, not when he looks like that, with the sun hitting his curls just so and his eyes locked onto the board Bunce is writing on with a little crease between his brows that I wish I could kiss away. It’s like I’m falling in love with him again. I’d fall for him time and time again.

A thought crosses my mind that maybe all of this was just a ploy to find out what the Old Families are planning. If that was their intention, they won’t get very far. They don’t tell me anything I don’t absolutely need to know. 

But right now, Bunce and Snow are willing to be civil to help me, and I’ve learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

I hope, not for the first time, that this all works out okay. 

**PENELOPE**

This is...uncomfortable.

I appreciate that Simon is finally willing to get along with Baz. I do. But they’re still not talking much, and it’s awkward. There’s not a better word for it. It’s just awkward. 

Baz is staring at Simon. It’s weird. I don’t know if he doesn’t realize I’m paying attention or if he just doesn’t care.

Honestly, I came up to their room today to help them with research, but this just feels like I’m babysitting two kids whose mums are going to brunch and left their overly shy kids that have never met in the same backyard. 

I wish they’d talk to each other. Not only would it break this  _ suffocating _ silence, but maybe we’d actually get somewhere. So far, we know that Natasha Pitch’s killer is still alive, and that Nicodemus knows something. What we  _ don’t  _ know is who the killer is, or who Nicodemus is. 

Simon’s supposed to be reading vampire history right now to see if we can get anything out of it. Baz is supposed to be reading reports of the attack his mother was killed in. I’m fairly sure neither is actually performing their assigned tasks.

This is going to be a bit of a challenge. 

**SIMON**

I may not be much help, but I’m doing as much as I’m able, and Baz agreed to let Penny help, too. She’s more useful than me, to be honest. 

I think this is going well. I  _ hope  _ this is going well. Baz is bloody brilliant, he’ll have gotten all the information he needs soon. I bet he’s already most of the way through the reports. He’s always ahead on his schoolwork, there’s no way he won’t figure this out. 

I’m doing my best. Honestly. I want this for Baz, for his mother’s death to be avenge. It must suck, having a dead mum and all. 

And, honestly, I don’t hate this truce. I was surprised when I didn’t immediately feel the need to strangle Baz as soon as we started working, but I don’t mind this. It’s...nice, seeing this side of Baz. The side that’s not always making rude remarks and jabs at me until I go off. It’s nice to work with Baz, instead of directly against him.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like him. He’s a bully, and a posh, stuck-up prick, but his presence isn’t so bad, at least when we’re not fighting.

I think I like not fighting with Baz. 

I’m not exactly sure what to make of that, but I’m not too concerned with it, seeing as we need to be working together at the moment. I put a pin in that. I’ll come back to it eventually. 

I try to look back at the book I’m meant to be reading. I don’t have a clue what any of it’s saying. My brain is beyond fried. I tell Penny as much. 

“Let’s go for a walk, then,” she suggests. She looks over at Baz. He blinks, like he’s been thinking and he’s focusing again.

“I’m taking Simon for a walk to give him a break. We’ll be back in a bit.” At Baz’s acknowledging nod, Penny takes my arm and drags me out of the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slow start, I know, but things start happening in the next chapter, I promise! stay tuned!

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos make for a happy writer! 
> 
> find me on tumblr: @ineffable-grimm-pitch
> 
> check out my other Carry On works in the series below (shameless self promo)


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